Before anyone reads any further I would like to state that this is my blog. These are my opinions and how I feel. I have decided that I need to vent about yesterday. I think it may be the only thing to help me feel better. I try to be very positive and to find something positive in everything. That is proving very difficult for me.
The things that went well.........there are a few of them. I dressed perfectly for the weather. Opting for the long sleeve shirt and skirt was a great decision. The wind was biting cold and I did not feel warm in long sleeves until about mile 24. I saw Drew and the kiddos three times. I loved that so much. I saw my friend Dawn which was totally unexpected. It was a blessing because it came during a rough patch of running. So, that is it.
As for the rest of the 26.2, I don't have much good to say about it. I really, really believed that I could run between a 3:45-3:50. With the exception of the wind, the weather was perfect. It was a great day to run. I felt strong and well trained. I keep thinking about the outcome and can only think of one thing I would change.
At mile 4.5 where the water station was to be, I should have just stopped, opened up a bottle of water, and took a big swig. I wish I had done this. I was too shocked to think clearly and already panicking about the GU in my stomach with no water to follow. I would love to know if things would have turned out differently if I had water. Maybe I should have carried my own water?
Having to stop three times thinking I was going to lose my breakfast during the last 10K was a nightmare. Having to smell those Oreo cookies around mile 22 was the final straw. I don't think I will ever eat an Oreo again. It was a nightmare because my legs felt good. They had something to give and my stomach was making me want to cry. I had to overcome my total frustration and utter sadness to keep running.
Knowing your goal is gone by mile 19 is crushing. I wanted to stop so badly when I saw Drew and the kids at mile 20. I was done mentally....just so sad. Unfortunately and maybe fortunately I don't define myself as a quitter so I had to keep running no matter how much it sucked! I saw a sign that said "You can't quit! You aren't the Pope!" Ha!
I did not remember to stop my watch when I ran through the finish line. I did remember that I was running through it. I never looked at the clock. I started to cry. Tears of frustration and failure were quickly wiped away because Emma, Jonah, Samuel, and Elena were so excited to see me. All my tears since have been in private and I am sure I will cry some more.
I am still having trouble eating today. I am not sure if I can ever use GU again. It is going to be a challenge. I did everything yesterday that I did in training so it was either just not my day or the water thing. Either way it sucked!
I am thinking the marathon is not for me. I love training for it. Racing it is another beast and I just don't seem mentally good enough for the marathon. Maybe my goal was unrealistic. Maybe I need to accept that I will never see a 3:49 by my name. Whatever it is, I am over running for the moment. I had the best 8 weeks of training and my time was crap. To some it may seem great, but I expected more and I think it is crap.
So, there you have it. Three hours and 55 minutes and 25 seconds of hell. My medal is in a box. I can't even stand to look at it. The shirt may go to goodwill tomorrow. I have no desire to remember anything from this race. I did have Drew take a finisher's picture of me. I can't stand to look at it. My smile is so fake.
I don't plan to run for at least a week. When I start to run again, it is going to be for fun. That seems to be the only kind of running I am good at doing.
My rant and pity party is finished. I am so sorry if you survived all the way to now. I will try to be back to my positive self tomorrow!
I am thankful for all the love I received before and after the race. That is what I will remember from this race....all the love because it was amazing!