Being a mom is freaking hard every single day. I can't think of any exceptions to that even when I am away from them. Pressure is not the right word, but I do have lots of expectations of how I want to be as a mom. I don't want to fail my children. I don't want to be too hard on them or too easy either. They need discipline. They need to be challenged, but they also need to understand what is real as well. Finding that happy medium while trying to raise four very different children is hard. I need to give them grace and myself grace. I need to give them love. They need forgiveness and so do I. That is my day....love, forgiveness, grace, discipline, and more love. That is my daily merry-go-round.
So, now I wonder if I did all those things yesterday with Emma. Did I give enough love while using the moment to teach her to be better? Were my words filled with grace or the utter frustration that I was feeling? Who knows and now all I can do is think about our conversation.
I don't like to challenge myself because I fear failing. As Drew says, I am the perfect middle C person...walking down the middle almost always. I always have been this way and honestly I really hate this part of my personality. I see it in Emma and I hate it even more in her. I know how it has limited me. As her mom, I don't want her to limit herself ever. She is too beautiful and strong to fear not being great. She is also too beautiful and strong to fear trying and maybe failing because those failures will eventually make her stronger. I know this, but how I can teach her this?
Yesterday was Emma's third meet of the season and it was her worst meet in years. A freaking colossal waste of her time and ours to watch her perform like she did yesterday. She psyched herself out before the competition began and somehow I knew it, but was helpless to change it. I could see it on her face and in her mannerisms before she did her first routine on the floor. With the exception of vault where she earned a 9.4 it was just painful to watch.
But, as it typical Emma she enabled her performance with things like I got high 8's so that is good. Um, Emma you did not get high 8's...sorry girl, but time to face reality. I stubbed my toe in warm up so I lost my concentration for my floor routine....what???? My hand hurt even though my rip is healed....Emma, it was bleeding last week and you did great. I was at a loss. Please Emma don't settle is all I could think. She is too young to settle for the middle. Now is the time to try, fail, get back up, try again, and hopefully succeed!
Emma's statements made my mind crazy because those justifications lead to mediocrity and I don't want her to be mediocre. She is better than that. Now, I know she is not going to be an Olympic gymnast. However, this mind set carries over into all her activities....school, homework, chores, relationships, etc. I can't stand it and I want her to be brave. I want her to find what lights her inner fire. So, I prayed my words were filled with grace as I laid it all out for her. She cried and I wanted to cry. I told her I loved her and wanted better for her. She cried some more. Then I told her to pray about what I said and I really hope she does.
Maybe I was too mean and should have just said better luck next time. Maybe I should have just hugged her and let it all go. Maybe I should have just taken her to get a milkshake and poof it is all forgotten. But, I couldn't do it. I really felt like this was the time for Emma to start learning to pick up her game or readjust her expectations. I am praying she picks up her game. I pray she always has high expectations. I want her to learn that she is possible all time if she just believes in herself. So, I pray she heard my words and takes them to heart. I pray she does not think this was my worst parenting moment ever. I am still deciding....